On June 1, 2022, I shared a post on kindness, summarizing how we can offer kindness to others. In reading that post, I’ve thought back to my words and the quotes I used to make my point. Unfortunately, or perhaps, fortunately, my thinking made me realize that I’m not a good receiver of the kindnesses of others.
Yes, receiving is definitely not the easiest thing I do in my life. It taught me to give—give of myself, what I have, and the talents God has given me. That is one thing I remember about my mom that is a cherished memory—her giving spirit. For me to give is easy, and often my calendar shows that I’m in “giving mode.” I have trouble saying no to opportunities to share what I’m able to share.
However, when put on the receiving end of giving, I play the game the slugs play. I roll up and hide in my shell of “Oh, no, I can take care of that myself.” Good examples have faced me over the years. Since 2001, I have undergone several surgeries. Many offers came our way for meals to help my husband and me. Do you think we’ve yet to accept an offer for a meal? Maybe one or two; otherwise, nope, not us, we’ll be just fine. We’ve done it before; we’re likely to do it again.
Why is it so hard? I’ve pondered the word “receiving” and asked God why it’s so hard for me to accept something offered. I have listened for that still small voice, and it has whispered an answer. The answer? It makes me appear weak, helpless, too needy, and so many other similar things.
I need to work on that part of me that rejects my neighbor’s help. I must ask God to help me learn to be accepting and to put my negative thoughts aside. By not accepting, I’m not allowing another of God’s servants to do their sharing.
?s for you: Is it easy for you to accept another’s help or assistance? Do you ever turn down an offer of help? How do you handle your feelings about accepting? Share in the comments or just give the questions some thought.
Enjoy autumn!
Featured Image Attribution: Rémi Walle on Unsplash
Yes, like you and Sharon, I find it hard to receive, a grace I’m trying to work on.
I agree with you, “By not accepting, I’m not allowing another of God’s servants” to be blessed. Two years ago, one of my friends, a widow, refused help in downsizing and moving from a two-story house to an apartment. In the midst of it all, she fell and broke her wrist, so she wasn’t in a position to refuse. She prayed, “Lord, what do you want me to learn here?” The answer came back loud and clear: “Stop acting so self-sufficient. Your friends genuinely want to help. Just let them.”
Lesson learned!
Marian, you have used the word I’ve struggled the entire time I worked on this post — grace! My brain can be such a frustration some days, and this has been one of those weeks.
I appreciate your sharing of your widowed friend’s story. Definitely a story which teaches a lesson we all need to learn.
Take care back there in Florida!
It’s so true Sherrey! Some of us are excellent givers, but we find it difficult to receive. Lots of different reasons: we’re afraid we’ll appear weak or needy (as you note); we feel somewhere inside that we don’t “deserve” it; we hear old voices of parents/teachers/whomever saying that we need to be self-reliant and “pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps” (what the heck does that look like?). What I find helpful is remembering how good it feels to give and realizing that by being unwilling or unable to receive, I’m denying someone those good feelings of giving. I try to remember that my receiving is a gift to the giver.
Thanks for a great reminder this morning!
Thank you, Donna, for sharing your thoughts and memories here. I’m not sure I want to know what “pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps” looks like or means! Those voices who brought up the bootstraps and the need to be self-reliant robbed us of the sensitivities necessary to be kind and giving. Your last sentence — “Thanks for a glorious reminder this morning.” — is a gift of joy and if I could, I’d have danced!
You are not alone in this trait Sherry. My sainted mother-in-law was like you in that she’d rather die than let anyone other than her children do anything for her. And she was reluctant to let us do anything. She spent her last eighteen years in a life care facility and until the last year when she was in the skilled nursing unit, she spent at least half her time helping others. She managed finances and read mail for friends with failing vision. She walked some to the dining room. She checked on anyone who was ailing and fetched their meals from the dining room.
“You get joy from helping others, but you are depriving them of the joy and satisfaction they’d get from helping you. That’s not fair!” I told her one day. Her look of shock told me she got it. Whether that changed anything, I’ll never know. I do know that every day of that last year, a long string of friends stopped by for a minute or two to say hello and let her know she was not forgotten. She was thrilled by those tiny gestures, the only way they’d been able to give back to her.
I seldom need help myself, but when I was scheduled for surgery last year, a friend offered to set up a meal train. As it happened, my surgery slowed me down far less that I was led to expect. We could have managed just fine on our own. Instead, we had delicious meals brought to the door for ten days and enjoyed leftovers for at least another week. I felt loved and appreciated and my bond with that group is deeper than ever.
Now my daughter’s father-in-law is slowly dying and in and out of the hospital. Both he and his wife are in their 90s and have spent much of their lives helping others. Although we’ve been close for twenty years, when I offer to stop by and do anything for them, it’s never a good time, even to drop in for five minutes to give them hugs. They do not want anyone vacuuming or helping with laundry. Their diets are so limited that they don’t want me to take food. Color me frustrated!
It’s become crystal clear to me that you only get half the blessing of giving if you refuse to receive.
Oh, Sharon, dear friend! So good to have you here and commenting. I miss you and your writing. Are you working on anything these days?
Thank you for sharing the story of your mother-in-law and her gift of helping others, but also the fact that her actions caused deprivation in the lives of those she was helping who probably wanted to help her in some way.
I can understand your “color me frustrated!” when writing about your daughter’s father-in-law. And I admire your acceptance of meals following your surgery. Even though you ended up not needing them after all, you express your joy and appreciation so well in your comment.
Hope all in the family are doing well and that you are still enjoying your home in Texas. I have many pleasant memories of our days when we talked about writing and posted about memoirs and more. Miss you!
0 Pingbacks
Comments are closed.
Categories
Tags
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
Looking for Something?
Recent Posts
Previous Posts
Published Works
Resources
Site Policies
Discover more from Life in the Slow Lane
Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.
Continue reading