July 20, 2013

Dear Mama:
Do you remember the times you attempted to control or manipulate one of us or all of us by threatening to kill yourself? Did you ever think about the sight of the butcher knife you held in your hand each time? Do you have any idea what those words — “I’ll kill myself if you don’t do as I tell you” — do to a child?

Let me tell you.

Each time I heard those words it was fear that you placed on my young shoulders and heart. I wore it like a heavy mantle.

With that fear came the questions:

Will Mama really do that?

If she does, she’ll be gone forever, won’t she?

It will be my fault, won’t it, for not doing what she says?

Credit: Seniju via Flickr

Growing up with that kind of fear is not healthy, and to think it continued into our adult years. What did you think you were accomplishing with brandishing a large knife and screaming those words at us?

I’ll tell you. All that you accomplished was the instilling of anger in our souls, hurt in our hearts and a dislike for you that went beyond measure. And sometimes it all comes back to haunt me still.

Truly, this was one of the most evil of the abuses you dealt me. I grew up with fear. It wasn’t fair.

Hurting still some days,

Sherrey