Years ago I hated Mother's Day. The search for a card was the worst. A card that didn't say: "Mom, you're the greatest," "I adore you, Mom," "Mother, you're the best ever!" And Hallmark had plenty more I ignored and didn't buy until I felt guilty.
The verses and kudos didn't fit the mother I had. In fact, sometimes I wished she were dead. Then I'd be free of the abuses, emotional and verbal. But I'm not in charge of life and death choices.
Despite my feelings, I always sent flowers and a vanilla card. How could I not? She was my mother. She breathed life into me. Yet she seemed to hate me. And I didn't know why.
Years passed. Hurts continued. One day I learned I would move Mama to Oregon near my home to care for her. No longer mobile, she needed professional care. With the support of my husband, the move took place.
And with that move came changes. Changes in Mama. Changes we couldn't believe. What happened? What caused her to change? I have the answers to the questions, but I'm saving them for my memoir.
What I can share with you is that I never imagined feeling sad on Mother's Day because she isn't here. She died 10 months after we moved her to Oregon.
This is the last photo taken of Mama just before we moved her in December 2000. With her are my nephew, Kevin, and a younger me.
I believe she died happily. I was the one unhappy when she died despite those earlier wishes.
I pondered all the years we'd spent defying one another, arguing, hurting and, yes, hating each other. Why? Another question I know the answer to now. But you'll have to wait.
And you know something? There is a good side to my mother. I hope to do justice to that part of her story in my memoir. She deserves nothing less.